My friend Julia Thurén is writing a book about money in relationships with Merja Mähkä – which I’m already looking forward to! – and we had breakfast to discuss the topic. As an extrovert, my best way to organize my thoughts is typically to talk about the subject with someone else, and the conversation helped me realize my views more deeply 🙂

How and when to start a conversation about money?

I believe that discussing money should start at the very latest when a couple is considering moving in together. I would begin by encouraging both partners to reflect on their values regarding spending. As we know, money is always spent on something — what matters is making conscious choices about how to use it. Typically, one’s views are influenced by their upbringing as well as their current financial situation: the less money available, the more they’ll have to make mutually exclusive choices about spending.

How money is used largely reflects what a person values in life and where they want to invest. It would be beneficial to discuss both individuals’ attitudes towards at least the following possible areas of consumption:

• Housing – How important is it for you to invest in housing comfort? Is a central location essential for you, or would you prefer more space? Is your interior design taste expensive, or do you manage well with furniture purchased from a flea market? Is it important for you to own your home, or do you prefer to rent?
• Food – Is food primarily a necessary sustenance for you, or is it a major source of enjoyment? Do you want to invest in fresh products and organic food? Is it important for you to dine out at restaurants regularly?
• Saving and investing – Is it important for you to save and invest a portion of your income to prepare for the future and grow your wealth? Or do you want to enjoy life more in the here and now?
• Appearance – How important is it for you to invest in clothing, shoes, or cosmetics? Do you primarily buy designer clothes or do you get your clothes from thrift stores? Is it important for you to visit the hairdresser/barber and have other beauty treatments regularly?
• Hobbies – Which hobbies are important to you and how much do they cost? Do you spend a lot of money on hobby equipment or monthly fees for hobbies?
• Other purchases – What other purchases do you typically make for your home? Do you want to regularly buy flowers and houseplants, or do you spend a lot of money on electronics?
• Experiences – Is it important for you to travel, and what types of vacations do you recommend? Do you want to actively engage in culture, attend festivals, concerts, and theater plays? Do you enjoy regular visits to a massage therapist or other wellness treatments?
• Other services – Do you prefer services over material things? Do you use a cleaning service or outsource small repairs at home?

There are no right answers to these questions – everyone is free to use their available money exactly as they wish. However, it is essential for the relationship to be aware of one’s preferences and to discuss them as early as possible with one’s partner.

Implementation of Individual and Shared Priorities

Once you have discussed each other’s preferences, you can take the conversation to a practical level and hold budget negotiations. It’s a good idea to start by agreeing on a common budget, and then create your individual budgets, ensuring that both are aligned with the preferences agreed upon together and your own.